Am I to be blamed for my husband’s philandering ways?

Jeff came home late last night. He has been coming home late, that is no news. He reeked of cheap slutty perfume and had lipstick stains on his face and shirt.

I laid awake on the couch all night, thinking about what my marital life has turned to. He had not always been like this, we used to be quite the model couple. Jeff was the epitome of fidelity. He was loving and caring and self-sacrificing.

I missed the warning signs. The endless office projects that dragged till late in the night, the business meetings that had to hold in one hotel or the other, the numerous female colleagues that called him at odd hours of the day and night.

At first, I sincerely did not see the red flags and when I did, I pretended not to notice. I was too ashamed and distraught to react. Till people started calling to tell me of his wild and shameless deeds.

When at first I confronted him he profusely denied any unscrupulous behavior. When I showed him evidence, he broke down and wept and promised to stop. He lied. A month later I noticed that the pattern has resumed. Odd calls from ‘colleagues’, projects and business trips, business meetings and training sessions that lasted for days and days.

My friends advised me to up my sexy game. I went to make up school and got expensive creams. I bought sexy dresses and made sure my hair was always magazine perfect. He seemed thrilled for a while and stayed at home with the kids and me. Alas, this was not to last.

The kids, it has always been about them. I do not want them to grow up with a single parent like Jeff did so that they do not end up like him, conflicted and confused. Weak and afraid, running away from the only place where there is love and acceptance. It has always been about them.

For the sake of my sanity I considered leaving Jeff. I was constantly treating STD’s even though I was so clean I did not as much as look at any man. I was depressed and unhappy, my reserve of self-confidence and dignity had eroded to a steep deficit.

I spoke to my mother about this and she rebuked me. She reminded me of the stigma attached to divorce and nasty marriage issues. She even went ahead to tell me some tales of marital woes a number of my peers were enduring. She told me that infidelity was an issue women faced in their marriages but the wise ones made the best out of it and came out with better marriages. She forbade me to speak further on the subject.

It got really bad, Jeff scolded me one day and warned me never to ask him where he had been again. One day, he even slapped me, right in front of these same children I was trying to shield.

I have been to the Pastor and the church has organized counseling classes. They prayed for us and told us to work on our issues. Jeff was so well behaved during the classes but now it seems like I have unleashed a demon.

The perfumes used to smell expensive and luxurious, now they are cheap and slutty if at all. He has taken to alcohol and other vices.

My family and friends look at me with concern and pity, I even imagine that they feel that I am not wise enough or sexy enough or woman enough to keep my man. Everyone has a word of advice for me on what I am not doing right. They make it sound like it is my fault my husband is misbehaving.

Am I to be blamed for my husband’s philandering ways?