I think I'll die a single man.

“You look grouchy, you even smell grouchy I’m sure you are not getting any action.” AK said to me. “There’s this new joint in town, it’s like Ibiza, party round the clock. The girls swim around like wild fish, plenty action.” AK said, wriggling his waist lazily.

“I don’t need your lousy parties AK, I’ve told you that a hundred times now, I’m almost married.” I replied.

“Yeah right! You cannot get fish on land without the help of the fisherman. You cannot get out of your prison without my help man.” AK  said in his annoying way.

“I have a girl AK. I’m going to propose to her next week. I hope you can give up the partying for a weekend next month to accompany to see her family.” I said, a little smug smile cutting the corners of my lips in sweet victory.

AK was silent for a minute, a cool smile on his face. “I’m happy for you man, so happy.”

“Thanks man, I feel so responsible all of a sudden.” I replied, still smug.

“So tell me, this girl, how long have you known her, how come I never met her? Is she a firebomb in the sack or what?” AK asked.

“Easy bro, Ecstasy and I have been dating for 9 months, she completes me. She doesn’t hang out much, you know, the ‘house broken wife material type girl’. No sack business here, we are waiting till after the I do’s. I replied proudly.

“Whew, that’s fresh, so you went and got yourself a religious virgin, attaboy.” AK looked impressed. “I didn’t know you had it in you. But what kind of name is Ecstasy? Sounds like my type of girls, Wildcard, Jungle Queen, Sweet Climax, I must say that  one is original, I should suggest it to the new girl, she hasn’t decided her name yet.” He added.

“Wandering away with your thoughts again, she is neither a virgin or religious, we have just decided to abstain. She is a secondary virgin, we both are.” I said as I laughed.

“I didn’t get you bro, the girl named Ecstasy whom you want to marry is not a virgin and she is not religious and you my guy are not getting any action because you have both decided to abstain? Hian!”

“I don’t expect you to understand the beauty of abstinence, the beauty of a blossoming love that is not hinged on anything, the utter purity…”

“Stop it!” AK shouted. “Do not make me vomit! What kind of syrupy talk is this? You sound like a brainwashed idiot. Utter purity of blossoming love my foot.”

“AK what’s the matter?”

“The matter is that your Ecstatic girl is playing you. Wake up and smell the coffee before it is too late. Abstinence ko, Absolom ni. Better follow me to D Gold Lake this weekend and meet real women. I can even introduce you to a real Ecstasy.”

This was always how serious conversations with AK went. We had been best buddies since Primary School but AK never did grow up. He was always after some wild fun drive or the other.

Ecstasy was the most perfect girl I ever met. She worked as a receptionist at Skyline Hotels in Maitama.  All the most notorious Sugar Daddies in town converged there. I had contacted various people to keep an eye on her for me and the reports were sparkling. I went to pick her from work but I went an hour early.

At the gate, I met Jamiu the Security man, with a cleaner discussing the strange happenings in the Hotel.

“Nothing I no dey see for room when I dey clean o. Before, if I see condom I go just weak, now that one na small.” Akibu The Cleaner said.

”All the girls for here sha, dem just be prostitutes. Dem go dey pretend say  dem be normal people, but we know na.” Jamiu said.

“If no be Mary when be S.U. If you look her too much sef, her Jesus fit kill you, and that one with oyibo name.”Akibu said.

“Ecstasy abi, and na she fine pass all of them o, if you see how she handle one Senator like shit last week. You know say my posting na main entrance last week. She no insult am o, but the answer when she give am, him sef go think.” Jamiu confirmed, and I let out a sigh of relief.

“Hmm, everybody get him own for body o.” Akibu started as I walked away from my eavesdropping spot. It was all the confirmation I needed.

I took her to a Chinese Restaurant that evening and bought enough provisions to last an army a month. She was a jewel of inestimable value and I wanted her to know that I would be everything to her.

“You are so sweet, do you know, all the men I come in contact with, especially since I got this job, they disgust me, no loyalty or respect. You are the only man I can ever stand.” She said in her silky voice. Her voice did me in.

“I look forward to spending every day for the rest of my  life with you my angel.” I said to her.

“Yuck, look at that smashing girl with that beastly creature. Check out her proportions, perfection all the way. I wonder what she sees in that ugg guy.” I saw the girl and guy walking away with their arms around each others waist, they looked ok to me, except that the guy looked a little bit older.

“You, my angel are the most ravishing beauty the world has ever known. To me, the powers that light up the earth from dawn to dusk reside in your eyes.” I pulled out the ring that moment. It was beautiful. Rubies embedded in Platinum. It cost a fortune, but you cannot place a price tag on a virtuous woman.

            “YES. Yes! Yes!” She said even before I could form any words. “Yes from now till eternity.”

I was too happy for words as I went to drop her in her house. In a couple of months, she will be all mine.

I gave an excuse and left the office at noon the next day. Ecstasy was home, it was her off day at the office. I branched by Amigos to get fresh flowers. They were expensive and fit for my Princess. On the Kiss FM radio a broody voice crooned ain't no sunshine when she’s gone and I believed him, it was just too long since I saw her, 14 long hours. The sun was mute.

I knocked the door and heard my angel reply “Coming darling, one minute.”

I smiled in contentment. The depth of love I felt knew no humanly definable words.

She opened the door in her towel and looked surprised to see me. “Oh honey, I thought it was the pizza guy.”

All the alarms in my brain started to buzz at the same time. “Really? So who is the darling you were talking to?”

I barged into the house and entered into the sanctuary that was her room. She never let me in. I had a heart attack and the adrenaline rush fixed it up. Lo, there was a naked girl, writhing on the large bed with all manner of sex toys on it.

I threw up in my mouth and swallowed it. I could feel the bile rising to my brain.

“I’m sorry you had to see this Honey.” Her evil voice spelled.

“Don’t you dare Honey me!” I spat.

“I would have told you.” She said.

“When? After we were married?”

She burst into tears and fessed up. She was sexually abused as a teenager by the housemaid growing up and she has been into women since.

I know that this is a crime in Nigeria, I even have a good mind of reporting her to Yahya Jammeh of Gambia, but the embarrassment is too much. AK will kill himself with joy. How could this happen? With all the wealth of experience I thought I had...

Credits:
Story: Ojonugwa Sapphire Abu
Picture: web